Jimmy Kimmel wasn’t kidding when he promised there would be no slaps at this year’s Oscars. The late-night host showed up for this third gig as the Oscars emcee with plenty of backup to prevent a replay of last year’s infamous Will Smith/Chris Rock incident.
“We want you all to feel safe…and we want Me to feel safe, so we have strict policies in place,” Kimmel said at the end of her monologue, before calling out the action heroes in the crowd who will be involved in putting these ” policies”.
“If any of you get mad at a joke and you decide to get up here and have fun with it, ‘you’ll have to go through Adonis Creed to get to me,'” Kimmel said, as the cameras were passing again -hit Creed III box office champ Michael B. Jordan. And Rocky’s student wasn’t the only ringer in the crowd. “You’ll have to fight Michelle Yeoh before you get to me,” Kimmel continued, as the Asian action movie icon – and Best Actress nominee – struck a fierce pose from her seat.
The roll call of Kimmel’s protectors included Pedro “The Mandalorian” Pascal, Andrew “Spider-Man” Garfield (unfortunately, his No coming home Spider-Bros Tom Holland and Tobey Maguire weren’t present), Steven “Jaws” Spielberg and, of course, Guillermo… no, not the Pinocchio director. “Nice little man will beat you Lydia Tár,” Kimmel said of her late-night sidekick. “We don’t have time for shenanigans tonight.”
Kimmel also dealt a not-so-subtle blow to the production team that let Rock/Smith’s “scheming” distract from last year’s awards show. “If anyone in this theater commits an act of violence at any time during the show, you will receive the Oscar for best actor and you will be allowed to give a 19-minute speech,” he said, referring to the Academy’s inaction. or the show’s producers immediately after the slap.
“The Academy has a crisis team in place and if anything unpredictable or violent happens during the ceremony, just do what you did last year. Nothing. Just sit there and do absolutely nothing. Maybe even hug the abuser.”
Smith and Rock weren’t the only absent characters Kimmel called out from the stage. He also noted how odd it was that the theatrical experience’s biggest proponents – James Cameron and Tom Cruise – turned down the opportunity to spend nearly four hours at the Dolby Theatre. Cruise also notably declined to attend the Golden Globes in January, which opened the door for ceremony host Jerrod Carmichael to crack a Scientology joke that immediately went viral.
Kimmel quickly took a page from Carmichael’s book, praising Cruise’s appearance in the beach volleyball scene of Top Gun: Maverick. “Tom Cruise with his shirt off? L. Ron Hubba Hubba.”
As for Cameron, Kimmel used the Avatar the director’s absence as a way to do like Natalie Portman at the 2018 Golden Globes and comment on the glaring lack of female Best Director nominees. “I mean, how does the Academy not name the guy who directed Avatar? What do they think he is, a woman?” The host specifically referenced two high-profile female films that were snubbed – Until And The female king – and encouraged the public at home to seek them out.
Too bad the female king herself, Viola Davis, wasn’t in the audience – with her action hero transformation, she could have joined Adonis Creed and Spider-Man in keeping the ceremony free from shenanigans.